I accidentally burped into my bong.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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