my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
