so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
