Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
