Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
