i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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