there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
