Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
