woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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