I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
