my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
