I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
