i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
