Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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