she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
