I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
