Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
