I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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