i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
