Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize