I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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