I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
