she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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