return my video game
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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