So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
