I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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