Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
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Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
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In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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