You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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