Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
