Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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