i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
