Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
FUCK WHALES
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
