Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
