Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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