Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
