I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
