I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
