I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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