Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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