I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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