I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
