I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
