Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
