every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
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i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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