Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
