Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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