the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
