She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If I die, sorry about rent.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
