Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
