So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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