You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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