just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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