Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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