you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
