Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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