fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
