You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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